"By taking small, seemingly insignificant actions in the direction of our goals and dreams (baby steps), we can quickly create changes which not only lessen the symptoms of depression but can also bring more energy, hope and vitality into our daily lives." Michael Neill
I’ve been holding a grudge against my own blog for almost a week. After reading one of the best novels I’ve ever read, I was bursting to write about it. I spent close to an hour spilling out why, Eliza Minot’s, The Tiny One took such a hold on me. When at first I tried to blog about it, I feared that my reading experience was beyond words. I was too enamored. Still in the story. Still devastated that this was Minot’s first novel. Not only because I wanted to read more stories by her, but because I didn’t think first novelists were capable of such things. I gave up a few times and wrote “You just have to read it for yourself.” But then the words came to me. I knew why Via Revere had become such a compelling narrator. After all, I too have lost a mother.
As I tapped away on my floppy laptop held together with duct tape, I thought, yes, yes, this is what I love to do. This is what writing is. I put the finishing touches on my post, thanked God for his inspiration, and hit submit. While I waited for my words to process and be available to the world (that is--if I ever get up the nerve to share my website address with people other than my own best friend or dad), my laptop crashed. My keyboard froze. My words disappeared. I prayed that they would come back. They didn’t.
Even as I prayed, I knew my prayers were futile. Not because I didn’t want the words to come back really bad, but sometimes, I just get that feeling when I’m praying that I have to let go. That God has other plans. It’s exactly how I felt on Christmas Day when I prayed for Mom to recover one more time. I felt my prayers being blocked and God’s gentle whisper that everything would be okay anyway.
Knowing my blog was gone, I sat for a second and wondered why. Why this time? What good could possibly come out of this experience? How could this be meant to be? It only took a few seconds for the answer to come to me. Tara. You need a new laptop. Now’s the time. Tomorrow, go out and buy one and bring it home. You’re a writer. You deserve a writing machine. A writing machine that respects you, your time, and your dreams. Go on.
And so, today I blog from my new TOSHIBA. My new writing machine. That blog is gone forever, but my writing career has only just begun. I know a new material item is not going to make my dreams come true. But it’s not that. It’s more of a feeling. A feeling that this machine is more for me, because this is the one that God intended. Could it have been created just for me, because I listened to that whisper? Like the perfect job? The soulmate? Have you ever had a car or a piece of clothing or an apartment that didn’t feel like home? I’ve had plenty. That red crappy hatchback that protested every time it went into fifth gear. That apartment that had the dark wooden paneling and the talking heaters. That pair of jeans with no pockets on the back. And that computer, that cracked in four places the minute its warranty was up. Well, that computer never felt like home. But this one does already.
And, if you want to know more about The Tiny One and Via Revere, I guess you’ll just have to read it yourself.